“Life can only be understood backwards, but must be lived forward.”
Soren Kierkegaard
I seek Aha moments and I never find them.
They come when they will.
Usually unprovoked until I start to notice a few words being spoken or on the page that all of a sudden seem important. Somehow significant, so I pay attention. I notice that words others are saying do not match up with the way I have always thought. Adding to the unfamiliar attitudes behind the words and I warily note that this feels suspiciously that a revelation is about to strike.
With a very good chance I won’t like it. There is a churning in my mind and swirls in my heart and then a new truth dawns on me like thunder. It’s awful…at the time, then it’s wonderful.
AHA #1
I had one of those moments last year, at a meeting to evaluate the previous year and plan for the next. The discussion became confusing for me because people—mostly young people—were talking about all the possible good and great things that would happen in the new year before us.
My hackles were up, I was uncomfortable, and then I was curious: Why did all that positivity bother me so?
I concluded: Youth deludes people about the future. They just don’t get how disappointing life can be with a load of expectations.
AHA #2
As the year progressed, I looked back and reflected about all the times God had been with me in difficult situations, when I created art pieces in the studio, and how his Word inspired me with images to use in my art expression.
It dawned on me that at one time the past had been my future.
He was with me in the past, He is with me in the present. I can trust He is with me; I never feel alone.
Why did I think he wouldn’t be there in the future??
How had I come to this belief that the unknown future was up to me? and that it would probably not turn out well? How foolish to think the future depended on MY efforts!
AHA #3
Much later in the year I was reading a book called Boundaries for the Soul ( I recommend it if you want to deal with blocks that keep you from doing what you want to do, or for other areas of “stuckness”) and I got to a chapter about the Protector, and had a huge epiphany about a deeply held belief I that came from my parents about expectations and dissapointment.
My mom always expected the future to be a little bit worse than the present. I had never put her belief into words before. The antidote to that reality was to have minimal expectations, so as to avoid disappointment.
Somehow, I had adopted a belief that I should avoid chasing my hopes and dreams because if they did not materialize, I wouldn’t suffer disappointment. If I didn’t take a risk, then I couldn’t fail. As if personal disapointment is the worst thing on the planet!
When I recognized that thought, I realized how limiting it was for me to hold on to such a belief. I released it, just let it go. Bye,bye. And I felt liberated, as if chains had fallen away from me.
The honest truth was that NOT trying was the greatest source of experiencing failure. One thing I’ve learned from my art practice is that “mistakes” are opportunities for growth and discovery. Taking risks are not as life threatening as I had imagined, nor an indication of certain failure. God is with us when we stumble and in our triumphs.
Another thing I can count on: He will be with me tomorrow.
